Amazing age-defying effects of alcohol


Recently, while on beat in town, I made a discovery of truly scientific significance.

The breakthrough was made while arguing with a drunk man who’d been fighting with another drunk man.

My interruption had angered him as he wanted to resume hostilities.

While arguing with a drunk is an argument impossible to win, I still started by asking for some decorum.

Upon being lavished with aggressive vocabulary any self-respecting North Korean dictator would be proud of, I graduated to forceful instructions laced with threats of possible loss of liberty.

It was then a heavy wave of deja vu came over me.

I was using exactly the same words I’d used with my toddler that very morning – bad drunks and toddlers, one and the same!

Having made this link I’ll now sit back and wait for honorary degrees and offers of research fellowships to roll in.

I’m not saying my toddler is a drunk, but the stupid things some drunks do are remarkably similar.

Both have terrible co-ordination – a wobbly bunch, tripping over, falling down banks, and I’ve witnessed both my wee lad and an inebriated adult get their heads stuck in rubbish bins – not the same one but in both cases Vaseline was required.

They both puke and urinate in places they aren’t supposed to, leading on to the next evidential link of behaving inappropriately and embarrassingly in public.

Conversations frequently make no sense, and both often look a “hot mess” – messy hair, food-stained clothes, unidentified stickiness.

Both toddlers and drunks can become belligerent in an instant, and turn on you.

Back to my drunk fighter – his tantrum led to “time out” in a cell, causing a change from the “throwing toys” state to the “crying, self-pitying” state.

In the cell the emotionally exhausted chap fell straight asleep, turning further Benjamin Button-like by sleeping like a baby.

Thus the last link materialised as both drunks and toddlers can pass out and sleep in strange places, often wanting to sleep in beds that aren’t their own.

I’ll be out working this Saturday night furthering my thesis, studying the age-altering traits of drunken man but now as a self-recognised expert I can say things like alcohol corrupts brain connections in parts of the prefrontal cortex, amygdala and temporal parietal junction that handles our social cognitive abilities.

Or I should just say that “alcohol is the world’s most dangerous drug but the most popular”.